We all face having conversations that we’d rather avoid, but are needed to address an issue with someone at work or at home.  Perhaps we’ve put this off for some time, but now realise that the issue is not going away and we will need to do something about it.   Having a clear set of questions to clarify what we want and how to approach the conversation itself can help ensure a successful outcome.   The framework below suggests a way of  preparing and then carefully addressing the issue in a direct conversation.

Preparation.

Name the issue. State in a single sentence what is the issue is about “ how we work together”  or “aligning our expectations” perhaps.   It can we helpful to describe this as “we” or “our”, indicating that this is a discussion rather than a diatribe ….   Summarising the issue in one sentence helps to get to its core,  and defines the topic when setting up the time for the conversation.

Define what you want as an outcome. Assuming that the conversation has been successful, what do you want to be different -  in terms of behaviours and understanding of the issue for both parties ?  Also,  what do you want for the relationship – will it be strengthened, or are you prepared to accept some impact on the relationship in order to achieve your goals from the conversation ?

Get curious. Try to understand where they may be coming from – assuming good intentions. Why would a smart, well-intentioned person behave this way ? Coming up with some hypotheses around possible reasons helps to reduce the emotional impact and perhaps may help find a win-win outcome for both parties.

Your contribution. Using these hypotheses about why they may be acting in that way, ask yourself if you have contributed to the problem.  Could you have done something differently  - even if it was raising the concerns earlier or making expectations clearer ?

Timing. When would be the best time to have the conversation ?  Ideally, after emotions have subsided – an angry conversation is likely to be unproductive, but whilst the issue is still recent and relevant.  Allow for enough time to introduce and discuss the issue, rather than tack it on as an addition to another meeting with multiple topics.

The actual conversation.

Describe the issue. Explain how it has made you feel – rather than attacking the other person. Try to avoid generalities – “you always” and be specific;   “ last Friday, when you said that, it made me feel….”   If necessary, mention the impact this has on you, but also on other people and on their perception of the person based on this issue.   Give more than one example if there is one – but don’t make it into a list,  and ensure that they are part of the same topic.   Don’t get into a broad listing “oh; and another thing you do ….”

Your role. If appropriate, add that you may have contributed to this, so its not one-sided and you also accept some responsibility for the issue.  This can help build trust and makes the dialogue less one sided.

We both need to fix this. Confirm that you’d like to work with them to resolve the issue.

What do they think ?   Ask them for their thoughts on the issue.  There may be defensiveness or even anger, perhaps surprise at the impact this has had on you and others.   Don’t push for an immediate resolution, they make need some time to process this and then come back for a further dialogue.   If this is the case, try and agree specific timing rather than leaving it open.

 What have we agreed ? Having listened to both sides, is there a consensus that there is an issue that needs to be addressed ?   Without accepting that there is a real issue here, any actions agreed to are likely to be meaningless.  Assuming that some level of agreement on the nature of the issue has been achieved,  what do the actions need to be ?

No situation is identical, and any conversation will depend on the context and the individuals. By clarifying the topic and the outcome you want,  positively considering why the other person may be behaving in this way and approaching the conversation in a way that minimises their need to become defensive, a difficult conversation will become a lot more straightforward.